The voices in my head...

- Wednesday mornings are extremely slow at the office. Gives me way too much time to think.

- I went back and read a few of my first blog entries from 2009...embarrassing. But dang time flies and my kids are big :(

- Damion leaves for Canada in the morning.  Ugh.

- New Kids on the Block, TLC and Nelly are in 3 weeks  :)

- Why don't people ever leave comments on blog posts?

- It annoys me when people give me their phone number and say "828" first. That's a given. If it's anything other than 828, you can tell me.

- I was able to hold a new baby boy yesterday :) I had forgotten what that felt like.

Madison & Cameron David Hodge

- Went for a job interview 2 weeks ago. Although I didn't know it was an interview until I actually got there. Flattering but a little strange. Don't worry, Dr. T knows. But I think I'll stay where I am :)

- I can't wait to go to the lake.

Don't compare yourself.

It's something I always say. "Don't compare yourself to others." But it's something I often do, it's hard not to.  Everyone has a story, what may seem like greener grass to someone on the outside looking in, doesn't mean it always is. Here's my story:

I was working full-time at a doctor's office making about $8 an hour and going to AB-Tech at night.   I opted not to go to UNC-Charlotte because I was in love. With Beau. You see how that turned out. An ugly break up and about 8 months later, I was 19 and pregnant with Damion's baby. I was a good girl, never got in trouble, always told the truth, but here I was 19 and pregnant by someone I barely even had a chance to get to know. Things happen for a reason, I swear they do. I couldn't have been more lucky.

So here we go - 20 and about to have a baby in 3 months. So Damion and I move in to an apartment together, and Madison Paige is born 2 weeks later. I had no clue what I was doing. Luckily my mom and Damion's mom were always there to help. Damion finished college at UNC-A with a mechanical engineering degree,  made nothing lower than a B and worked full-time at Wilsonart, absolutely killing it so that I could stay home with Madison for 3 months. We started building a house and moved in February 1999. We still live there. Back then, it was a big deal to be 22 and 26 years old and building your own home. We were thrilled! We still live there. Not the original plan, of course. Our dream was for Damion to build us a house and move by the time Madison was in high school. Things don't always work out the way you plan.

In 2001, we decided to get married. 14 months later, Emma-Leigh is born. These two are so very different. I can not imagine life without either of them. Looking back, I don't know how we did it. But I'm so very glad we did.

So...back to my point. My girls compare what they have and what they do to what other people have and do all the time. We're all guilty of that. Having a baby so young, I feel like we were behind everyone else in their circle. Other parents are 8-15 years older than us and had their lives all figured out before throwing kids in the middle of it. I wouldn't have it any other way though. My girls don't ever hurt for anything. They wear nice clothes, eat good food, get to do whatever they want and don't need anything. That is what matters.

We all have a story. No one should compare, no one should judge. It may look like someone "has it all" but they don't. Someone in their family is probably sick, either mentally or physically. They may have some family conflict, you just never know what other people are going through.

I'll be 38 when Madison graduates from high school. And 42 when Emma-Leigh graduates. Crazy, huh? Compare that! ;)

Social media and technology

Our kids are ruined. Their generation is ruined. Social media and technology have ruined them. I remember days of playing outside with my friends, riding bikes, shooting basketball, reading outside. You don't see that stuff anymore. Everyone is inside on their phones or iPads, or in front of their computers. They don't even know what it's like to not have their devices. And if the wi-fi were to go out for a minute, ALL HECK BREAKS LOOSE. Trust me, I've seen it. Our router malfunctioned a couple weeks ago and we needed a replacement. My kids had to go a full 24 hours without  wi-fi. You would've thought the world was coming to an end. Somehow, they survived.

Being behind those devices has also made our children more brave. What they say in text messages they would NEVER say to a person's face. They've lost their communication skills and could clearly care less how the message may make someone feel, especially since they don't have to face them in "real" life.

It's quite sad, actually.

I hate having a conversation through text messages, unless it's absolutely imperative. Just pick up the phone and call someone, it'll save you time in the long run. Lord knows there's not enough time in the day for everything anyway.

Village people

What does it mean for a friend to "have your back"?

Conversations with a friend last week reminded me that it "takes a village to raise a child". I realized that I have been kicked out of someone's village, when I was only trying to do what a true friend would do. See, when I think about having "someone's back" that includes watching out for their children too, especially when asked. After all, that's what I would want one of my friends to do. 

Emma-Leigh said to me the other day - "mom, all you ever say is People change, people change" that surprised me because 1) I didn't know she was reading my blog and 2) I hadn't realized that that's all I blog about. I can't help it. People always say that people DON'T change. Well guess what? They DO. It IS possible! That can be either good or bad of course but it does happen. 

I know who's in my village. And I know now that sometimes people don't really mean what they say. So while I may have been "manipulated" in to thinking that I was the bad guy, I know better.

I had your back. 

Tough decisions

One of my favorite therapists always says - give it 3 days. If it's something you want and you aren't sure if you should buy it, or something you need to do and aren't quite sure if you should do it, give it 3 days. If the feeling is still there, then do it. Do not react impulsively, you may regret it. I practice that, most days.

Dealing with all that life throws at us isn't easy. No one is perfect, I sure don't claim to be. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone with my words. I've really tried to focus on my family and keeping all the negativity out, but when it comes to the people I love, it's hard to give it 3 days. 

Prom

It was 21 years ago, but it seems like yesterday. Kim and I were getting ready for our junior prom. I remember it very clearly, Beau drove us in his mom's T-top Camaro, dinner at TK Tripps, and back to my parent's house after prom for an amazing breakfast prepared by my parents. I remember a terrible car wreck on Sweeten Creek Rd that night. Car was on fire, it had just happened and we drove right up on it. Seems like something happens on prom night every year. So not only was I excited for Madison, I was also worried. Their plans were to have dinner at Grove Park, then go to prom and then Ashley's parents drove them all down to the lake. It went off without a hitch. Everyone was safe and they had a great time! My mind was at ease, and I was very thankful they were in good hands.

A few of my favorite pics from the night:

They were so beautiful and handsome! 

Don't get your hopes up.

As an adult, I rarely get excited about anything. I've learned that nothing is real until it actually happens. Plans change, people change their minds, the weather changes, nothing is truly gonna happen until it actually happens. So I don't get excited, because I'll be disappointed when it doesn't go the way I envisioned it. 

I think this came into mind because of Easter yesterday. I used to always get excited around the holidays as a kid. ALWAYS. I don't remember ever being let down. But it's harder as a parent, trying to live up to your children's expectations. You don't want to let them down. You want to give them everything (mostly) that they want and need.

While typing this, I'm trying to thinks of things that I've been excited about that have actually lived up to my expectations. Unfortunately, it's easier to think of the things that haven't.... being off on a weekday to go to the lake or the pool, only to have it rain. Spending the weekend with just my girls, only for them to not be in the mood to do anything, or to make plans with someone else. Looking forward to seeing a movie, only to have it be terrible. Madison cheering on Varsity, but then falling and breaking her arm. Emma-Leigh's cheer team being good enough to get to compete, only to have one girl get hurt and there are no alternates.  Damion going to Switzerland, only for me to decide I'd rather stay at home than do anything with my friends. Not huge things, but you get the idea. I don't get excited about much anymore. Too many factors to screw it up and too many people with raging hormones and strong opinions that could get in the way.

One thing I am excited about? Hootie in Charleston in August. It'll be our 6th year. THAT never fails to disappoint.

And dinner at mom and dad's never fails me. And sleeping in my own bed is always good. And hanging out with family, even if it is just over a meal, makes me happy.

Life doesn't always turn out the way you expect. And if it did, you'd never learn anything.